I took a gig working as Angelina Jolie’s double in a couple of films and for years it’s been a story of interest with the entertainment gossip shows and magazines. It’s hilarious to me that anyone ever cared about it and on Monday I got a text, then phone calls and emails that someone was once again running a story on it.
I starred in “Sophie Chase” which was nominated for an Emmy. But does that trump Angie? Nope. Everyone just wants to know about Brad and Angie.
For a good laugh, here’s what ran on Monday. I love it when they say “She plays some of Angelina’s body parts”. What? Like, I play her elbow? I should put that on my resume. My best role was when I portrayed Angie’s arm.
And the ending is the best “Now when Anglina and Brad make another movie together, maybe these two can meet.” Hilarious.
There is a lot of unsolicited advice thrown at you when you have a newborn. It starts when you are pregnant and seems like it just might continue on until the kids are 18. Or maybe forever.
The BAD thing with all this free advice, is what works for one person, may not work for YOU. Such as, whoever told me to pump in between feedings, is FIRED!
The GREAT thing about all this free advice, is that SOME of it WILL work. Such as the woman who told me to try pumping WHILE breastfeeding. Bingo!
You see, the first time I turned on the pump and put those alien looking contraptions on my boobs, I was afraid. Afraid they were going to rip my nipples right off. Or worse, suck the whole boob down it’s tube. (I warned you about all the boob talk).
I followed all the directions in the booklet, reading it three times and sterilizing everything in boiling water like it said. I placed the alien contraptions on my boobs and turned the dial up to 1. OUCH! It hurt! I sat there with this pump pulling my boob like a cow, the grinding sound of the machine adding to the horror and thinking, THIS is definitely one of THE most ridiculous things I’ve ever done. How ridiculous did I look sitting there with my shirt off, holding 2 plastic alien contraptions to my boobs, hooked up to a machine? (No, there will be no pictures of this.) And after about 10 minutes of this ridiculous, self inclicted pain, all I got was ONE drop. ONE DROP!! Great, $250 down the drain.
I was sure I must have done something wrong. But what? I made a “pump session” appointment at a cute, local baby store. I can’t believe “pump sessions” exist, but this told me I wasn’t alone. Others had sought help on these ridiculous alien contraptions too. Another $50 later, all she said was that I’d done everything right, it just takes some women longer than 10 minutes to get the milk flowing.
Well, she was partly right. I later found that a way to get the milk flowing, is to trick the body into thinking it’s a BABY pumping for that milk, NOT a plastic alien. “Have a picture of your baby with you. Visualize him on your breast.”
Well, even better than a picture of my baby, was to put my baby on one boob, and the plastic alien on the other. It worked like a charm! One measly drop turned into 4.5 ounces. So I guess it sort of works for us women like it does the guys when it comes to pumping out any donations. We just need a magazine of half naked babies.
(Sigh). Make that a really BIG sigh. Make it TWO of them. Target, target, target. So disappointing. I seriously wish I had better experiences there. I WANT to like them. I do. They have so much going for them. But then, they just can’t seem to get their sh*t together.
I live so close to a Target that it’s unavoidable to shop there. Especially now with a 2 month old baby, I need places to go pick up things like diaper rash cream that are quick and easy.
I ran over there the other day (OK, I didn’t RUN, I DROVE) to get diaper rash cream and make a return on a baby item that I’d ordered online. Quick and easy, right? HA HA! Not at Target.
I printed out the recipt from my online order before I left, even though I know that most places (including Target) don’t require a receipt anymore for returns, they just need the credit card you used to make the purchase.
However, even though my order DID appear on my credit card when the girl at “guest services” (they should be called GUESS services) ran my card, AND I had the order info with me, THAT was not enough to make my return. Nope. Not at Target.
Guess Services Gal: I need you to bring me a ‘return’ receipt in order to complete your return.
Me: What’s a “return” receipt?
GSG: You go to Target.com, log in, then click on “return item” at the bottom of the website, find your item, choose “return item” and then print the page.
Me: (long pause) For real? You want me to home to do that and then come back?
GSG: You could use our computers, but they aren’t working. You can see if the computers upstairs are working.
Me: For real? I’m not sure I remember my user name and password to log in.
But I lug my ass upstairs anyway and realize she didn’t mention WHERE to find the computers. I have to track down an employee, “They’re outside the restrooms”.
I get to the computers to find only ONE of them working. Barely. The track ball is all sticky and doesn’t move well around the page. Gross. I don’t want to know what kind of unidentifiable germs are on this thing.
I don’t see anything at the bottom of the page regarding “returns”. This must be a joke. An employee tries helping me, but she can’t find it either at first. We get a manager. He’s laughing and apologizing and AGREEING with me just how RIDICULOUS it is to go through all of this, just to make a return.
Great. Tell that to the IDIOTS running this place. PLEASE!
We find the “return” info and try to print the page, but the printer was making a horrible grinding sound and it took awhile for it to print. Finally, whew, it printed! And GEE it only took 20 minutes? WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO RETURN THIS AND BEEN BACK HOME ALREADY. TWICE.
When I get back downstairs to make the return (no, this still isn’t over) I have to stand in line AGAIN and this time after she tries it again says, “It’s still not letting me return it.”
OMIGOD. I’m going to jump over the counter and strangle her.
Finally, after five minutes of punching keys on the keyboard, she finally figures it out. Hallelujah! And it only took what, 45 minutes total to make ONE return?
Oh, I’ve written about Target’s disappointments before, and before, and I’m sure I will again.
