You know those news teasers that pop up in between commercials and TV shows? The ones where they give you just a little blip on something shocking to try and get you to tune in later. I love the ones that are ‘life and death’ situations, and even THEN they don’t give you the information. You have to “tune in at 11pm” to find out.
“A popular cereal just found to contain poison. Is it the cereal in YOUR cupboard? Tune in at 11 and find out.“
Oh GREAT. Now I have to watch the news tonight otherwise I won’t know whether or not I can eat my bowl of cereal in the morning! And what about the guy who’s actually eating a bowl of cereal WHILE the news teaser comes on? What’s HE supposed to do now?
The other night there were two sad, hilarious news teasers on ABC here in Los Angeles. One showed a woman pole dancing in a skimpy outfit with the voice over, “Pole dancing, an Olympic sport? A move to make it happen at 11.” and next was “Osama Bin Laden. Porn lover? Weapons weren’t the only thing he was hiding. At 11.”
First of all, WHO CARES? Second, THIS is what works to get people to tune in? I’m scared, saddened, disappointed and give up hope for mankind. Third, IT’S OSAMA BIN F-ING LADEN! Yes, of course he was into porn. I could have told you that. How are either of these news stories? I already don’t watch the news, but now I really, REALLY won’t watch the news. If that’s possible. To watch the news less than never.
I’ll stick to Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report and SNL’s Weekend Update, thank you very much.
My doctor assures me all these things are normal, but my arthritic feeling hands remind me of my inner 80 year old man. And the fluctuating hormones that have me crying at the drop of a hat over nothing make me feel like a woman. That watches Lifetime movies. Alone. While eating ice cream. Crying. About what somone said to me in the elevator after work.
I have this thing with Hummers and the people that drive them. How small does it have to be before you feel you have to drive one of these things around? And you know what “it” is don’t you? I don’t have to explain it, do I?
I’ve posted on Facebook some interesting pictures of people and their Hummer’s and their cockiness. Or stupidity. I’m not ever sure which it really is.
But now, something has altered my view. As I pulled my gas sipping Prius into the parking lot, a gas gulping Hummer pulled in right across from me. The guy was driving while holding the cell phone to his ear. Of course he was. He’s driving a Hummer. It gives hime the right to.
But then, I ended up in line behind him. And something weird happened. He was polite, appeared to be quite self-actualized and had a sense of humor. WHAT? How is this possible? He drives a Hummer! He even offered to let me go in front of him in line. Now, that’s a rarity here in Los Angeles where lines are always long.
Then, some old lady tried to bud in front of me! She was coming straight towards me with her cart and just stared at me. I said “Do you need to get through here?” She said “Yes” but then didn’t go through, she STAYED in front of me. The Hummer driver looked at me, laughed and told her “The end of the line is over there.” And she responded with something about being able to stay there. So I said “Excuse me. I’m sorry, why do you get to go in front of me?” And she has the balls to say “You asked if I needed through here.” Like she’s Betty White or something. OK lady. Yes I did, but since when does THROUGH mean BUD IN FRONT OF ME. I decided that pregnant wins over old and I booted her to the back of the line.
Hummer driver’s 1. Old Ladies, 0.
Swollen. And I’m not talking about my belly. Hands, feet and a little in the face. And that’s how I concluded Week 36. I had so much swelling that came on suddenly, I called my Dr. and asked her if she thought it could potentially be pre-eclampsia. (If you don’t know what it is, and are interested, you can read up on it here.) The main symptom is high blood pressure. She told me to go to the ‘Labor and Delivery Deptartment’ at the hospital to check my blood pressure and urine for protein.
OK, I thought, no biggie. I’ll be in and out of the hospital quickly. It’s JUST a blood pressure and urine check. I do it every week at my Dr.’s office and it takes them just 5 minutes. NOT at the hospital. Oh no. They can’t just take my blood pressure to see if I have pre-eclampsia. They first have to do a little song and dance.
First, I had to be “admitted”, which basically means filling out a chart on me and making sure I have insurance to pay for my visit. This alone took 25 minutes because the nurse that started to fill out the chart, got called away to do something else leaving me to sit there alone doing nothing. Umm… there’s a blood pressure cuff sitting RIGHT there. Three feet from me. Do you want me to just take my blood pressure myself? Anyone? Bueller?
Before that nurse ever came back, the admin office called to one of the rooms to talk with me and verify my insurance information. However, since my nurse never came back to finish my chart, I wasn’t moved into the room yet to take the call. But at least that phone call got a nurse to find me and put me in the room. Now we’re making progress?
Then another nurse came in and asked me some questions and told me to put on the hospital gown. I’m like “Umm, can someone just take my blood pressure? Because that’s mainly what I’m here for and if I DO have it, we should probably know now, not an hour from now.” OK, I didn’t actually smart mouth it quite like that, but I should have. She told me “We have to wait for Dr.’s orders.” What? For a blood pressure check? You have to be kidding! Blood pressure checks are routine for visits! Everyone gets one. They hand them out like candy! I can even go get my fix from Rite-Aid, Walgreens, some dude off the street!
Meanwhile, they hooked me up to a monitor to see if I was having any contractions and know the baby’s heart rate. Really? So, you DON’T need a Dr.’s order to do that? But you can’t put a blood pressure cuff on me until you get OFFICIAL ORDERS? WHO IS RUNNING THIS PLACE?
Finally another nurse came in the room. She started to fill out a new chart. I had to tell her that there already was a half of a chart on me floating around somewhere, so she left to go find it.
In the meantime, if my blood pressure WASN’T elevated before, it is NOW! And if my blood pressure IS high, and I do have pre-eclampsia, no one knows because this song and dance number is taking FOREVER.
Then another nurse sent me to the bathroom so I could give her a urine sample. She had me pee in a dixie cup. A DIXIE CUP. Umm, are you sure you don’t want me to use one of the sterile urine cups sitting next to the dixie cups? Nope. She says the dixie cup is fine. What a WEIRDO. Does she really work here? Or did she slip in the back door, steal some scrubs and is here to mess with patients? I peed in the dixie cup and noticed she had tried to scribble my name on it, but it didn’t work so you could just barely make out the letter “K”. Scary.
After all was said and done, everything was fine. Blood pressure was still around 102/64 and there was no protein found in my urine. And it only took about 2 hours. 2 HOURS! For a blood pressure check and a urine sample. Can we get a reform on THAT?
My new iMac computer is down and out. All because of a little mouse. Yup, the little wireless mouse keeps losing connection or saying ‘low battery’ even after I install new batteries. Today I can’t get it to work at all so I’m typing to you from my old laptop. Let’s see… I’ve had the laptop since 2006 and it still works. I’ve had the iMac for oh, 3 months and it’s already a pain in the ass! WHAT’S UP Apple? Technology doesn’t always work, but an old stone tablet and chisel will never let you down.
Yesterday overall had it’s difficulties too. And I call them all technical difficulties because I think perhaps they are a ripple affect to Japan’s earthquake throwing the earth off it’s ass axis. After one fire was put out, another one immediately showed up in my mailbox. I keep reminding myself that I am not in Japan, and so how big can my problems really be? Let’s keep it in perspective. None of my problems include the words ‘radioactive’ or ‘nuclear’ or ‘melt down’ — OK, maybe it includes the last one, but it has no relation to the other two so that’s a good thing.
